#Should You Marry
Someone Like Yourself or Someone Different?
#Do opposites attract?
Yes, often. However, that does not
infer that opposites make compatible marriage partners or have happy marriages. If one person spends money freely, seems easy-going,
and loves to travel, and the other appears thrifty, takes life seriously and sees
travel as a waste of time and money, they may find each other exciting for a
while. Learning how the other half lives
can be a fun experience but not for long.
Dating such a person proves very different from living
24-7 with someone this opposite. After
months of living with another who possesses such a different attitude, the frugal
partner begins to view the spend-thrift as someone who cannot save money and
never has a dime for an emergency. The spend-thrift views the frugal partner as
a tightwad. The person’s easy-going
attitude shifts to appear as refusing to stand up for what’s right and the
serious as too negatively focused. If
one must travel alone while the other tosses excuses for remaining at home,
both experience loneliness and eventually resentment. In such cases, both try to persuade the other
to conform to their ideas. The more
deadlocked they live, the stormier their relationship. Or one party may completely surrender their
personality and interests to please the other and live life as a lost, unfulfilled
shadow. When partners prove too
dissimilar, one person tends to dominate in an area, and this leaves the other
unhappy and often bolting from the marriage.
Living permanently with such a partner creates a constant list of
problem, and many prove unsolvable. Solomon wisely cautioned, “Above all else,
guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life” (Proverbs 4:23).
Research overwhelmingly supports the fact that couples
experience #fewer conflicts and report #better relationships when they share five
basic features. Below are the most important
considerations when dating anyone with possible thoughts of marriage. They heavily influence and determine a
couple’s odds for success (or failure).
1. Geographical Upbringing. Being from different countries ensures the couple
shares vastly different ideas about life. Childhood experiences shape our ideas about child
rearing, nutrition, money, sex, dress, recreation, observing holidays, and how to
express love. These couples experience
more dissimilarities than with any other factor, and for each difference, the
emotions tend to run hottest when trying to resolve different points of view. When such deep-rooted values clash, few
resolve issues successfully. One is
always left hurting.
2. Religion. Research
shows that when couples worship together, they feel happier and better
satisfied with their lifestyles. They
cannot share this if one lives knowing they don’t belong in the other’s church.
One partner may cave and tag along with
the mate to avoid conflict but never feel fully satisfied. Some cave and experience guilt for abandoning
their faith. A noted Jewish priest and
author refuses to marry any couple who does not share the same religious
beliefs. He considers religion the most
basic foundation of a successful marriage.
He marries two Baptist, two Catholics, or two of any faith, but he
refuses to marry a couple when one grew up in one church and the partner reared
in another. Nor does he marry a
religious person and an atheist. He
asks, “Why would a couple begin marriage with an immediate problem? They might discount this difference while
newly in love, but once married problems explode and cannot be denied. Only then it’s too late to correct poor
judgment, so they argue and fight and God hates fighting. He values peaceful relationships.”
3. Age. Differences
in age prove a contributing factor to a marriage’s success. The closer a couple’s ages, the more interests
they share. It matters not which spouse
is older; degree of closeness is what counts. We all know stories of an old man marrying a
teenager girl, but few stories exist of both being happy. They remain too far apart to enjoy similar
activities. He grew up liking elevator
music and she prefers punk rock. Imagine
the fights about music in that house.
Age influences the desire for children and how involved each partner becomes
in young children’s activities. Age even
influences the foods they eat. The older
spouse may require a restricted diet, while the younger one has yet to experience
a need for such concerns. The younger possesses
energy to go and do; the older prefers quiet evenings relaxing in a recliner.
4. Education. The
degree of closeness in a couple’s education weighs heavily in a marriage’s
success. When a Ph.D. marries a high
school dropout, rarely do they share reading materials, TV programs, or even
friends. Both seek friends like self,
and one always finds visiting the other’s friends uncomfortable because they share
little to discuss. Eventually, they wish
to avoid all contact with their mate’s friends.
Often, this includes the mate’s family.
The educated one must guard against having the less educated feel
inferior because such feelings take a serious toll on the person and the
relationship.
5.
Money. When one partner comes from a
more affluent background and the other reared in poverty, they bring drastically
different views on spending and saving. This
rarely works unless the affluent one allows the poorer mate to control and
manage their money. Yet, how long do you
think someone with money would enjoy having another control their finances? Can one who never had money know how to
balance spending? Money brings power and
influence for the one having it. The one
lacking views their marriage as a constant power struggle that carries over
into every decision they make.
Yes, some dissimilarity makes a relationship spicy and
interesting. But, no matter how close a
couple’s cultural background, religion, age, education and money, couples
always bring numerous differences to their relationships. No two people bring identical values. Each contributes differently. Too many differences destroy a marriage,
unless both parties possess a submitting spirit and a strong willingness to
sacrifice their values and learn to appreciate the other’s. However, everyone holds some standards they
cannot abandon, and some people would rather die than forsake their most
cherished values. For them, the marriage
dies instead.
Dating someone more like yourself proves the most
successful long-term, because the more values, morals, and interests a couple
shares, the more they agree on life’s most basic issues. Partners who compliment each other’s basic
needs tend to experience the most successful marriages. What if you date several who match closely on
the five basic values? Then what should be considered? I will cover this in the next blog.