Do Women Experience a Mid-Life Crisis?

    A few years ago, Dr. Daniel Levinson published a book about mid-life crisis for men, and Dr. Roger Gould published a similar book.  Dr. Levinson’s book focused on the type of changes men make at certain ages; Dr. Gould’s explored the stages men go through and what each stage involved.  Both books were preceded by a book by Gail Sheehy, who had interviewed both men and ‘stole’ their research (Dr. Levinson’s word, not mine).  Gould sued Sheehy for plagiarizing his unpublished research, and he won.

    At that time, no one had looked at women to see if they experience similar changes, so I selected this as my dissertation research project.  I chose high achieving women, in the field of education. Typically, education at all levels employs more women, and they do the classroom teaching.  When it comes to the top positions of university presidents/provosts/vice-presidents in our larger schools that provide graduate degrees, these titles are predominately held by men. That trend continues today. At that time, there were 39 women holding top slots in US universities in 30 states.  Maryland, Tennessee, Texas, Washington, and South Carolina each had two women holding top positions in different schools. I interviewed 38 of these women in their offices.  Each interview took approximately five hours.  I asked professional and some very personal questions from a structured interview guide that shared many similarities with the one Dr. Levinson used with men.

    Thirty-six of the women were White; two Black.  Most came from middle class backgrounds, some from very poor environments, only one grew up in a wealthy home. The vast majority of the women paid their own way to school, some with scholarships, some with part-time and summer jobs, and most acquired school loans.

    A couple of things immediately stood out about these women. First, they were extremely warm, and hospitable. They cracked the glass ceiling without losing charm or femininity. They appeared calm, happy, and smiled a lot.  Their offices smelled of fresh flowers and pots of hot coffee brewing with cups available for serving others. Family pictures adorned their desks.  Nothing reminded me of a typical man’s office.  I felt comfortable like I had visited in their homes and had known them for years.

    Second, it was their fathers who influenced them to continue their education and succeed.  Not one woman credited her mother for her attending college or graduate school. Their dads began discussing college attendance with them while they were young children.  If they encountered an obstacle, the father fought to find a way to help overcome it.  For example, one woman wanted to be a veterinarian, but, at that time, only one veterinarian school in the US allowed a woman to attend, and that school did not accept girls who were white.  Her father, the only rich family of my group, offered to build a new building for several colleges that provided veterinarian degrees if they would let her attend but to no avail.  She acquired a Ph.D. in education instead but still yearned to work with animals.  All the women had doctoral degrees and about half interned with the Department of Education in D.C.

    The home lives of these women seemed typical of today. Some were married with children, some married without children.  A single woman adopted a child in another country with no plan to marry.  Two who were single admitted having affairs with single men with whom they traveled frequently.  While these two had no plans to marry, they did work to keep the affairs private.  No woman lived with a man, unless married to him.  Some divorced, and two divorced more than once. Of the divorced, all but one assumed full responsibility for the care of any children, and this woman’s ex was rearing one child and she cared for their other child.  When school business required the women to travel, all reported that their mothers came to stay with their children, and mature babysitters filled in when their moms couldn’t. 

    One woman had a commuter marriage, and she described her marriage as happy and extremely good. She lived in an upper northern state, while her husband resided in southern California.  He commuted each weekend, arriving late Thursdays and leaving on a red-eye flight Sunday night.  Between their children’s ball games and eating, this couple spent most of their weekends together in bed.  All the women worked long hours, and all believed in God but about half attended worship services on a regular basis.  Money was not a factor that influenced the jobs they had.  In fact, many thought they were over-paid.  They loved the challenges and felt they made a difference in the lives of others.  All, but one, mentored a younger female.  Five asked to nominate me for a sabbatical in Washington DC with the State Department of Education, one that pushed them onto a fast-track for their current positions, but my children came first.  They were at ages that I did not believe they could relocate without serious upheaval in their lives.  I have never regretted that decision.  I have enjoyed many of my jobs, but I love my children more.

    Since the interviews, I followed several of the women. Some moved from president of a large university to become provost over a state-wide system.  Some retired, and some moved into teaching.  Some accepted similar positions at other universities.  One was elected governor of her state when her governor husband died.  One became a full-time minister.

    Regrettably, my major advisor would not allow me to write my findings like I wanted.  I spent numerous hours talking with Dr. Levinson processing my findings and wanted very much to follow the style of his book. However, in order to complete my degree, I had to write it in typical, boring, research format.  Still, the style did not change my findings.  I did find that many women go through fairly drastic changes and at very specific ages.  In my next blog I will explain what causes these stages to seem a crisis for some people and the different ages men and women face real lifestyle shifts.  It’s another area where men and women differ.  Many times I think God made us more different than alike and the findings that I share in my next blog prove that it’s probably a good thing He did.

A Christian Dad's Letter to His 10 Year Old Daughter

To My Precious Daughter,  

At times, you think I am a mean parent.  I say, “No,” more times than you want to hear but know when I do that my answer is because I love you and want to protect you.   It is my job to care for you until you leave home.   At times, I fail.  At times, I make bad decisions but never do I deny you things that I believe are in your best interest or just to annoy you.   Because I am older and more experienced, I view things from a “I was there once” perspective and am very aware of the possible dangers to a young girl.  It is my job to protect and safeguard your naivety and let you remain an innocent child as long as possible.  Childhood is short;  adulthood lasts years and years.    

I set age limits to allow you time to mature and obtain a view of the world from a more advanced perspective.  Teens years are filled with numerous changes and, as you age, you will be allowed to participate in additional activities and have more freedom.   I want you to have things to look forward to, not wake up one day with nothing left because you have been doing them for years.   I do not like the idea  of the only thing left for you to do is sex or drugs because you have already done everything when you are 10 or 11.  Therefore, I have some set ages at which you may begin dressing in certain ways and going certain places.

When you are 13 you may wear pastel lipstick. Until then, if you wear bright red or hot pink colors while playing ‘grownup’ you are not to leave the house until you remove it.  You do not wear it to the school, the grocery store or church.  At 13, you can also buy that new pair shoes with short heels as you want. 

You may not wear short shorts expect at home. If you go out in knee-length ones and roll them up to be shorter like some of your friends do , all shorts will be discarded.   If you need to run to the store and have on short shorts, slip a skirt over them or change.  And no, you may not wear mini-skirts,  or halters,  plunging necklines, or bare shoulders in public.  You may have your first strapless dress when you are a high school junior and wear your first formal.   Even then it cannot be too revealing. Modesty is a family value we honor.

You can date when you turn 15 with these exceptions.  I wanted to make it 21, but your mother overruled me.   At 14, you may double date to school functions, but know I will volunteer to chaperone these.  Also, you may go to parties at friends homes, when I know the parents and are assured they will be home.   At 15, you can date on weekends provided you honor curfew time.  Where you are going and with whom will determine your curfew hour. 

At 14, we will give you a cell phone.  In addition, I will give you four quarters to keep in your billfold at all times, so if anything unexpectedly happens and your phone is dead or you can’t find it, you can call and we will come get you immediately.  No matter your problem, if you find yourself in any situation where you feel uncomfortable, then phoning us is the right choice.  

You will have a curfew until midway into your high school senior year and then you can set the time you come home.  If you haven’t learned the value of coming home at a reasonable hour by then, I have failed you miserably.   We will, however, require that you come into our bedroom and wake us, so we know you are home safely.  We will not question the time.  We just need assurance you are home safely. 

Also know that should you stay out all night without our approval, you need not bother coming home.  The door will be bolted because as long as you sleep under the roof we pay for, eat the food we provide and wear clothes we purchase, we expect our home values to be lived.  We expect you home nightly, unless we discuss it in advance.

It is my role as a Christian parent to safeguard your body and help you guard how much others see until you marry.  Your wedding night should be special, not something you shared with the world.   I know that many girls your age, even some at church, dress sexy and show as much leg and breast as possible, but I am not accountable to God for other girls, only you.  My time frames are to help protect you emotionally and spiritually.  Someday you will understand this.    

If you say, “But all the girls dress that way or go to parties”, I pray for their father’s to wake up and stop pushing their children to dress in ways that follow the crowd and stop allowing them to go places that a young girl has no business going.  I do not want you dating boys who value girls dressing sexy or going places where they should not be.  If these girls were my daughters, I would love them too much to let them .  I hope you understand that.

It is my job to protect your innocence and your body until you marry.  Then I hand that job to your husband.  Also do not expect me to like the boys you date.  I can’t because I know one of them is going to take you away from me, and I dread that day.  

I am working hard to be the Christian father God wants me to be, and I love you very much.  Dad

 

Sexual Abuse in Churches (posted by American Association of Christian Counselors)

This is one of many touchy, painful subjects we like to ignore, but burying our heads in the sand serves to hurt the victims of such painful abuse a second time.  The very first lady's retreats I did years ago was arranged by a woman whose father was an elder in one of our churches in TN.  He used to take her to his furniture store every Saturday morning and rape her.  She was a preteen.  After she left home, she confronted her dad and mother.  He went forward the following Sunday and resigned saying, "I have not lived like should and think it best that I resign."  That was it.  Her mother stayed with him and supported him, not her daughter.  It's an evil word we live in.  Satan knows how to hurt the most vulnerable of us.  Below is a post I received from the American Association of Christian Counselors today.  It's long but I found it worth reading.

Christians will always have differing opinions on issues such as theology. However, the protection of children and the loving of those who have been abused is one thing that all of us can agree on and work together to address in a way that mirrors Jesus."  If you would like more information or would like to schedule an interview with Mr. Tchividjian, please contact him at boz@netgrace.org.

A Public Statement Concerning Sexual Abuse in the Church of Jesus Christ

Recent allegations of sexual abuse and cover-up within a well known international ministry and subsequent public statements by several evangelical leaders have angered and distressed many, both inside and outside of the Church. These events expose the troubling reality that, far too often, the Church’s instincts are no different than from those of many other institutions, responding to such allegations by moving to protect her structures rather than her children. This is a longstanding problem in the Christian world, and we are deeply grieved by the failures of the American and global Church in responding to the issue of sexual abuse. We do not just believe we should do better; as those who claim the name of Jesus and the cause of the Gospel, we are convinced we must do better. In the hope that a time is coming when Christian leaders respond to all sexual abuse with outrage and courage, we offer this confession and declare the Good News of Jesus on behalf of the abused, ignored and forgotten. Through the media we have been confronted with perpetual reports of grievous sexual abuse and its cover-up. Institutions ranging from the Catholic Church, various Protestant churches and missionary organizations, Penn State, Yeshiva University High School, the Boy Scouts, and all branches of our military have been rocked by allegations of abuse and of complicity in silencing the victims. And while many evangelical leaders have eagerly responded with outrage to those public scandals, we must now acknowledge long-silenced victims who are speaking out about sexual abuse in evangelical Christian institutions: schools, mission fields and churches, large and small. And we must confess we have done far too little to hear and help them. Holocaust survivor and author, Elie Weisel, once said, "Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim…silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented." When we choose willful ignorance, inaction or neutrality in the face of evil, we participate in the survival of that evil. When clergy, school administrations, boards of directors, or military commanders have been silent or have covered up abuse, they have joined with those who perpetrate crimes against the “little ones” – often children, but also others who are on the underside of power because of size, age, position or authority. It goes without saying that sexual abuse is criminal, but within the Church we also believe that it is the work of the enemy of our souls — evil, horrific sin perpetrated in dark and hidden places, forever altering lives and destroying the faith of the abused. How could such evil be present and overlooked in the body of Christ? Surely as his followers, we would do everything in our power to expose the deeds of darkness, opening the mouths of the mute, the afflicted and the needy. The Church must never hinder those who so desperately need to run to God and his people for safety, hope and truth, while also providing them protection from the great deceiver. But we have hindered the victims. By our silence and our efforts to protect our names and institutions and "missions," we, the body of Christ, have often sided with an enemy whose sole purpose is and has always been to destroy the Lamb of God and his presence in this world. Our busyness and inattention have often resulted in complicity in allowing dark places that shelter abuse to fester and survive. We must face the truths of our own teachings: To be a shepherd in the body of Christ and blind to the knowledge that your sheep are being abused by wolves in your midst is to be an inattentive shepherd. To judge merely by outward appearances is a failure of righteousness. To fail to obey the laws of the land as Scripture commands by declining to report and expose abuse is to be a disobedient shepherd. To be told that wolves are devouring our lambs and fail to protect those lambs is to be a shepherd who sides with the wolves who hinder those same little ones from coming to Jesus. To fail to grasp the massive web of deception entangling an abuser and set him or her loose among the sheep is to be naïve about the very nature and power of sin. To be told a child is being or has been abused and to make excuses for failing to act is a diabolical misrepresentation of God. To know a woman is being raped or battered in hidden places and silence her or send her back is to align with those who live as enemies of our God. Protecting an institution or organization rather than a living, breathing lamb is to love ministry more than God and to value a human name or institution more than the peerless name of Jesus. Dear church of Jesus Christ, we must set aside every agenda but one: to gently lead every man, woman and child into the arms of our Good Shepherd, who gave his very life to rescue us from the clutches of our enemy and from sin and death — who rose from the dead and called us to the safety of his side. As we follow this Good Shepherd, we will “eliminate harmful beasts from the land, make places of blessing for the sheep, deliver them from their enslavers and make them secure in places where no one will make them afraid” (Ezekiel 34:25-28). Surely it is for such a time as this that the Church has been empowered to boldly and bravely embody the Good News to accusers and accused alike, and to forsake our own comfort and position to love the hurting with an illogical extravagance. To all who have been abused, broken, deceived and ignored, we have failed you and our God. We repent for looking nothing like our Lord when we have silenced you, ignored you or moved away from you and then acted as if you were the problem. You are not the problem; you are the voice of our God calling his church to repentance and humility. Thank you for having the courage to speak truth. May God have mercy on us all and oh may the day come when his church reflects the indescribable love and compassion of Jesus, even to the point of laying down our lives for his precious sheep. Dated this 17th day of July, 2013.