SHOULD CHILDREN SEE THEIR PARENTS ARGUING?

 

                         SHOULD CHILDREN SEE THEIR PARENTS ARGUING?

     The answer depends on which psychologist you ask.  Some say rarely;  others say it depends on what the argument is about.  All agree it depends on how a couple argues.  If the disagreement disintegrates into name calling, an exchange of insults, or one storming from the house, then children do not belong in such an environment. 

     Little ears are always listening and learning how disagreements are best handled.  But children are not your only audience.  God is always present too.

     If you were reared in an argumentative home, it may feel natural to argue.  In fact, some people feel an emotional high by strongly disagreeing, and they do not have to be angry.  However, if you were reared in a home where differences were buried, you may find raised voices extremely frightening.  Children carry into their own marriages what they observed mom and dad doing.  And sadly, they often have a lot to unlearn.

     The purpose of arguing is usually to verbally enforce one’s wishes on another.  Wanting your way is normal, and it’s acceptable when you faithfully practice letting each other interject a differing opinion and then work together seeking a solution that’s agreeable to both.  That way you keep compromise the goal, not winning.  However, if you begin attacking each other’s character and personality, the goal becomes marital destruction, not problem solution.  Such behavior is not healthy for the spouses, and it’s extremely damaging for children.

     Research shows that even one year olds become distressed when parents use harsh, loud words.  Other research discovered that kids reared in homes with high levels of family discord suffer brain dysfunction similar to that of soldiers in combat.  Children do not have to hear raised voices to be negatively impacted.  They recognize angry tension, hostile looks, and sulking smirks and react as if personally attacked, exhibiting jumpy, edgy fear.  Raised hostile voices coming from another room are no better.  A child who does not understand what’s happening fills in the mental void, and they always think the worse. 

     There are some topics that children should never be privy, like sex, a spouse’s failings, serious money issues, and in-law problems.  They need to be shielded from topics that are too deep for them to understand.  Plus, remember that children will likely tell grandma and their teachers what they overhear.

     However, if the issue is one that parents will likely resolve with compromise, then observing the parents can be a valuable learning experience.  For example, deciding which programs on TV to watch, where you will eat, or where to go on vacation can provide children a positive learning opportunity, provided you model taking turns or one deferring to the spouse’s desire because one spouse really cares and the other cares less.  Then children learn about submitting, because you modeled healthy disputing.  

     When children observe parental disagreements, psychologists insist that the children should be told of the solution.  Children need to learn that parents can disagree and still love each other.  So tell them you always love each other, will work out the problem, and will let them know how you resolve it.  You stay the mature acting ones and let your children act like the kids in the family.  Pray about the issue before you begin your discussion, and you likely keep God and your kids pleased with how you behave.