What Makes for Better Marriages?

#Should You Marry Someone Like Yourself or Someone Different?

                #Do opposites attract?  Yes, often.  However, that does not infer that opposites make compatible marriage partners or have happy marriages.  If one person spends money freely, seems easy-going, and loves to travel, and the other appears thrifty, takes life seriously and sees travel as a waste of time and money, they may find each other exciting for a while.  Learning how the other half lives can be a fun experience but not for long. 

            Dating such a person proves very different from living 24-7 with someone this opposite.  After months of living with another who possesses such a different attitude, the frugal partner begins to view the spend-thrift as someone who cannot save money and never has a dime for an emergency. The spend-thrift views the frugal partner as a tightwad.  The person’s easy-going attitude shifts to appear as refusing to stand up for what’s right and the serious as too negatively focused.  If one must travel alone while the other tosses excuses for remaining at home, both experience loneliness and eventually resentment.  In such cases, both try to persuade the other to conform to their ideas.  The more deadlocked they live, the stormier their relationship.  Or one party may completely surrender their personality and interests to please the other and live life as a lost, unfulfilled shadow.  When partners prove too dissimilar, one person tends to dominate in an area, and this leaves the other unhappy and often bolting from the marriage.  Living permanently with such a partner creates a constant list of problem, and many prove unsolvable. Solomon wisely cautioned, “Above all else, guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life” (Proverbs 4:23).

            Research overwhelmingly supports the fact that couples experience #fewer conflicts and report #better relationships when they share five basic features.  Below are the most important considerations when dating anyone with possible thoughts of marriage.  They heavily influence and determine a couple’s odds for success (or failure). 

            1. Geographical Upbringing.  Being from different countries ensures the couple shares vastly different ideas about life.  Childhood experiences shape our ideas about child rearing, nutrition, money, sex, dress, recreation, observing holidays, and how to express love.  These couples experience more dissimilarities than with any other factor, and for each difference, the emotions tend to run hottest when trying to resolve different points of view.  When such deep-rooted values clash, few resolve issues successfully.  One is always left hurting.

            2. Religion.  Research shows that when couples worship together, they feel happier and better satisfied with their lifestyles.  They cannot share this if one lives knowing they don’t belong in the other’s church.  One partner may cave and tag along with the mate to avoid conflict but never feel fully satisfied.  Some cave and experience guilt for abandoning their faith.  A noted Jewish priest and author refuses to marry any couple who does not share the same religious beliefs.  He considers religion the most basic foundation of a successful marriage.  He marries two Baptist, two Catholics, or two of any faith, but he refuses to marry a couple when one grew up in one church and the partner reared in another.  Nor does he marry a religious person and an atheist.  He asks, “Why would a couple begin marriage with an immediate problem?  They might discount this difference while newly in love, but once married problems explode and cannot be denied.  Only then it’s too late to correct poor judgment, so they argue and fight and God hates fighting.  He values peaceful relationships.”

            3. Age.  Differences in age prove a contributing factor to a marriage’s success.  The closer a couple’s ages, the more interests they share.  It matters not which spouse is older; degree of closeness is what counts.  We all know stories of an old man marrying a teenager girl, but few stories exist of both being happy.  They remain too far apart to enjoy similar activities.  He grew up liking elevator music and she prefers punk rock.  Imagine the fights about music in that house.  Age influences the desire for children and how involved each partner becomes in young children’s activities.  Age even influences the foods they eat.  The older spouse may require a restricted diet, while the younger one has yet to experience a need for such concerns.  The younger possesses energy to go and do; the older prefers quiet evenings relaxing in a recliner.

            4. Education.  The degree of closeness in a couple’s education weighs heavily in a marriage’s success.  When a Ph.D. marries a high school dropout, rarely do they share reading materials, TV programs, or even friends.  Both seek friends like self, and one always finds visiting the other’s friends uncomfortable because they share little to discuss.  Eventually, they wish to avoid all contact with their mate’s friends.  Often, this includes the mate’s family.  The educated one must guard against having the less educated feel inferior because such feelings take a serious toll on the person and the relationship.

            5. Money.   When one partner comes from a more affluent background and the other reared in poverty, they bring drastically different views on spending and saving.  This rarely works unless the affluent one allows the poorer mate to control and manage their money.  Yet, how long do you think someone with money would enjoy having another control their finances?  Can one who never had money know how to balance spending?  Money brings power and influence for the one having it.  The one lacking views their marriage as a constant power struggle that carries over into every decision they make. 

            Yes, some dissimilarity makes a relationship spicy and interesting.  But, no matter how close a couple’s cultural background, religion, age, education and money, couples always bring numerous differences to their relationships.  No two people bring identical values.  Each contributes differently.  Too many differences destroy a marriage, unless both parties possess a submitting spirit and a strong willingness to sacrifice their values and learn to appreciate the other’s.  However, everyone holds some standards they cannot abandon, and some people would rather die than forsake their most cherished values.  For them, the marriage dies instead. 

            Dating someone more like yourself proves the most successful long-term, because the more values, morals, and interests a couple shares, the more they agree on life’s most basic issues.  Partners who compliment each other’s basic needs tend to experience the most successful marriages.  What if you date several who match closely on the five basic values? Then what should be considered?  I will cover this in the next blog.

Teaching

Parents who must send their children to public universities often fear the negative influence some professors proclaim about God.  Some teachers do mock religious beliefs and force students to research ideas contrary to God’s teachings.  However, this concern often proves an ill placed fear.  Remember, many teachers who strive to live by God’s Word teach in public schools because not all live near a Christian college.  Such remained my local for years.  I taught at three universities and never missed an opportunity to teach God’s Word, in ways that supported the psychology courses the school employed me to teach.  Let me give examples.

            When studying what helps create successful marriages, we discussed issues with cohabitation and how one of the partners tended to lack total commitment.  A student, usually a female, always disagreed and insisted she cohabited to avoid paying double rent.  I questioned, “Are you focused on money or bonding a permanent relationship?”  She felt pressured to say, “A relationship but we can’t afford to marry.  We can’t afford the marriage license.” In response, I handed her a $20.00 bill saying, “If, indeed, you both are fully committed, I will pay for the marriage license so you can marry today.  Although, God condemns sex without marriage, marrying someone you aren’t fully committed to or who isn’t fully committed to you would be another wrong, so don’t do it.”  No student ever accepted my money.  However, one did return later tearfully regretting her living arrangement. 

            We discussed how abuse of alcohol damages brain cells and how people must continually increase the amount they drink to receive the same buzz.  I asked, “Who knows a person who drinks regularly but has never been intoxicated?”  The discussion allowed a review of the number of people killed yearly by drunk drivers, the number of homes destroyed, and the number of babies born with alcohol syndrome.  I explained how sexually active women and men who drink can damage their unborn babies.  My young men failed to understand that alcohol passes through a man’s sperm.  I cautioned that if they drank, they needed to keep their pants zipped tightly because no one wants to cause a tiny, helpless baby to suffer.  Plus, they risked finding themselves responsible for a handicapped child before age 20.  Such statistics show why God condemns drunkenness.  I admitted I don’t have enough good brain cells to risk damaging any and after seeing their last test scores I knew that neither did most of them.  I am not sure why they found this humorous.

            When we studied memory and moving items from short-term memory to long-term, I sang the Apostle Song, “Jesus called them one by one, Peter, Andrew, James and John. Then came Philip, Thomas too, Matthew and ____.”  I asked what apostle came next.  This demonstrated how using both music and rhyming words help to remember something long-term.  I offered five bonus points to anyone who answered correctly.  They offered unique guesses, but not one knew the correct answer.  However, they will remember it now.

             When we studied the brain, I included how watching pornography on the internet rewires the brain in ways similar to drug use.  I reinforced the danger by showing how it destroys marriages and shared my experience counseling several involved couples.  In every case, the man reached a point he could no longer have sex with his wife.  It no longer satisfied.  I asked my young men how they would feel if they discovered they couldn’t enjoy sex on their wedding night and questioned how many new brides might tolerate such husbands. This study resulted in another private counseling session.

            When we studied human sexuality, it surprised me how little facts these college kids knew.  We discussed research finding about one-fourth of students have two or more venereal diseases, and some Aids, with many unaware of it.  I told them that of all of God’s commandments to break this particular one resulted in the largest harm to themselves.  I insisted they were crazy to have sex before marriage with anyone unless they spray painted their body with 12 coats of Teflon.  When a student asked how long (how old) a couple enjoys sex, I assured him that his grandparents did.  The students gagged and groaned.  I explained God didn’t design intimacy just for the young and when he became granddaddy’s age he would be thankful.

             We discussed that God condemns tattoos.  Research shows many employers refuse to hire someone displaying such looks and while students thought this discrimination was wrong, their thinking changed nothing.  I suggested they look at senior level managers in any company and see how many touted tattoos and challenged if they attended college to remain forever in an entry-level position.  I explained that when I worked for a large corporation, we received 20 applications for each available position.  I asked, “Why would we hire someone who wouldn’t fit our required dress code?” especially when research showed people with tattoos tended to rebel and challenge authority.  I explained it is possible to remove tattoos, and how an elder at my church paid for any member willing to remove theirs.  This elder asked those with tattoos how they planned to teach their own children to obey the Lord if they flaunted rebellion to His Word on their arms, legs, or face.

            I could describe our discussions about leaving one car length between you and the car ahead for every 10 miles per hour driven.  If going 70, to drive safely, you leave seven car lengths between you and the car ahead, 60, leave six.  Or I could detail why students needed to wear ear plugs at concerts, but you get the point.  God’s Word remains alive in public universities.  Certainly, if a family can send their child to a Christian school they ensure God’s Word receives support and they avoid having wrongs taught as right and preferable.  However, when children must attend public institutions, know that many professors still uphold Christian family beliefs.  Some even squeeze in direct Biblical messages.