What Makes for Better Marriages?

#Should You Marry Someone Like Yourself or Someone Different?

                #Do opposites attract?  Yes, often.  However, that does not infer that opposites make compatible marriage partners or have happy marriages.  If one person spends money freely, seems easy-going, and loves to travel, and the other appears thrifty, takes life seriously and sees travel as a waste of time and money, they may find each other exciting for a while.  Learning how the other half lives can be a fun experience but not for long. 

            Dating such a person proves very different from living 24-7 with someone this opposite.  After months of living with another who possesses such a different attitude, the frugal partner begins to view the spend-thrift as someone who cannot save money and never has a dime for an emergency. The spend-thrift views the frugal partner as a tightwad.  The person’s easy-going attitude shifts to appear as refusing to stand up for what’s right and the serious as too negatively focused.  If one must travel alone while the other tosses excuses for remaining at home, both experience loneliness and eventually resentment.  In such cases, both try to persuade the other to conform to their ideas.  The more deadlocked they live, the stormier their relationship.  Or one party may completely surrender their personality and interests to please the other and live life as a lost, unfulfilled shadow.  When partners prove too dissimilar, one person tends to dominate in an area, and this leaves the other unhappy and often bolting from the marriage.  Living permanently with such a partner creates a constant list of problem, and many prove unsolvable. Solomon wisely cautioned, “Above all else, guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life” (Proverbs 4:23).

            Research overwhelmingly supports the fact that couples experience #fewer conflicts and report #better relationships when they share five basic features.  Below are the most important considerations when dating anyone with possible thoughts of marriage.  They heavily influence and determine a couple’s odds for success (or failure). 

            1. Geographical Upbringing.  Being from different countries ensures the couple shares vastly different ideas about life.  Childhood experiences shape our ideas about child rearing, nutrition, money, sex, dress, recreation, observing holidays, and how to express love.  These couples experience more dissimilarities than with any other factor, and for each difference, the emotions tend to run hottest when trying to resolve different points of view.  When such deep-rooted values clash, few resolve issues successfully.  One is always left hurting.

            2. Religion.  Research shows that when couples worship together, they feel happier and better satisfied with their lifestyles.  They cannot share this if one lives knowing they don’t belong in the other’s church.  One partner may cave and tag along with the mate to avoid conflict but never feel fully satisfied.  Some cave and experience guilt for abandoning their faith.  A noted Jewish priest and author refuses to marry any couple who does not share the same religious beliefs.  He considers religion the most basic foundation of a successful marriage.  He marries two Baptist, two Catholics, or two of any faith, but he refuses to marry a couple when one grew up in one church and the partner reared in another.  Nor does he marry a religious person and an atheist.  He asks, “Why would a couple begin marriage with an immediate problem?  They might discount this difference while newly in love, but once married problems explode and cannot be denied.  Only then it’s too late to correct poor judgment, so they argue and fight and God hates fighting.  He values peaceful relationships.”

            3. Age.  Differences in age prove a contributing factor to a marriage’s success.  The closer a couple’s ages, the more interests they share.  It matters not which spouse is older; degree of closeness is what counts.  We all know stories of an old man marrying a teenager girl, but few stories exist of both being happy.  They remain too far apart to enjoy similar activities.  He grew up liking elevator music and she prefers punk rock.  Imagine the fights about music in that house.  Age influences the desire for children and how involved each partner becomes in young children’s activities.  Age even influences the foods they eat.  The older spouse may require a restricted diet, while the younger one has yet to experience a need for such concerns.  The younger possesses energy to go and do; the older prefers quiet evenings relaxing in a recliner.

            4. Education.  The degree of closeness in a couple’s education weighs heavily in a marriage’s success.  When a Ph.D. marries a high school dropout, rarely do they share reading materials, TV programs, or even friends.  Both seek friends like self, and one always finds visiting the other’s friends uncomfortable because they share little to discuss.  Eventually, they wish to avoid all contact with their mate’s friends.  Often, this includes the mate’s family.  The educated one must guard against having the less educated feel inferior because such feelings take a serious toll on the person and the relationship.

            5. Money.   When one partner comes from a more affluent background and the other reared in poverty, they bring drastically different views on spending and saving.  This rarely works unless the affluent one allows the poorer mate to control and manage their money.  Yet, how long do you think someone with money would enjoy having another control their finances?  Can one who never had money know how to balance spending?  Money brings power and influence for the one having it.  The one lacking views their marriage as a constant power struggle that carries over into every decision they make. 

            Yes, some dissimilarity makes a relationship spicy and interesting.  But, no matter how close a couple’s cultural background, religion, age, education and money, couples always bring numerous differences to their relationships.  No two people bring identical values.  Each contributes differently.  Too many differences destroy a marriage, unless both parties possess a submitting spirit and a strong willingness to sacrifice their values and learn to appreciate the other’s.  However, everyone holds some standards they cannot abandon, and some people would rather die than forsake their most cherished values.  For them, the marriage dies instead. 

            Dating someone more like yourself proves the most successful long-term, because the more values, morals, and interests a couple shares, the more they agree on life’s most basic issues.  Partners who compliment each other’s basic needs tend to experience the most successful marriages.  What if you date several who match closely on the five basic values? Then what should be considered?  I will cover this in the next blog.