AS A KID, WHOM DID YOU ARGUE WITH THE MOST?

Women, men, wives, husbands, brothers, sisters, friends.  Do any two people ever completely get along?  Does everyone argue?  Are disagreements unavoidable?  Research demonstrates that it’s not how often we disagree or what we disagree about that matters.  It’s how we disagree that counts.  According to John Gottman, author of The Marriage Clinic, how we disagree determines the quality of our relationships.  No two people consistently agree on every topic.  Dr. Gottman found that even long-term married couples who describe their relationship as happy and successful have three or four topics about which they cannot agree.  They just don’t let these topics become more important than their relationship.   

            Kids Health.org asked 1,245 boys and girls ages 9 to 13 about conflict and discovered the following.  Thirty-eight percent (38%) said arguments occur in their home every day and 26% described weekly conflicts.  Fifty-six percent (56%) said they argue most with brothers and sisters, and 26% of these kids say the fight becomes physical when they fight with other kids.  The authors say arguing can become so normal that kids do it naturally without even thinking about it.  

            So my question is:  How do or did you get along with your siblings when you lived in your parents’ home?   Which sibling did you argue with the most and over what topics?  Did your parents know of such battles?  If so, how did they respond? Please, leave me a message in the comment box.  Perhaps Dr. Adler’s birth order descriptions will jog your memory.

            According to Alfred Adler, noted psychologist of the early 1900s, one’s birth order played a significant role in a child’s need for power, superiority and control.   First born children have the favorable position and this advantageous status has its privileges.  Many expect to take over the family business and be the one to make decisions for parents as they age and remaining family possessions.  These children expect younger children to respect their position and allow them this role.  Many feel a heavy burden to care for younger siblings and become the family’s highest achievers.  They tend to feel secure unless the second child threatens to surpass them.  It’s how Cain and Able competed over sacrifices to the Lord, and you know how that ended.

Second born children enter the world facing a challenge, especially if they are the same sex as their sibling.  The one ahead has already gained power, so they hold a lesser position.  Recall the story of Esau and Jacob who battled relentlessly for the semblance of power.  Second born children often learn to create harmony by being peacemakers, while others rebel in an effort to overturn the family power structure.  It takes second born longer to find their identity, but once they do, competition can become more intense, especially if the first born is dad’s favorite.  The older child fights to retain first place and the second wants a share of parental attention and material possessions.  If the second born fails to gain their fair share, they may completely disconnect from the family.  

The third child may play the role of a ‘baby’ and be spoiled by older siblings, especially if the older two are of the same gender and this child differs.  If the first two children are girls, they may try to ‘mother’ the youngest child, until the child can take no more and disconnects.  If the first two are boys, the younger a girl, she tends to try and be a ‘daddy’s girl.’  Third born kids often take on one of two roles:  They can become the care takers of their family, like Joseph in the Bible or they withdraw from achieving, attempt little, and have excuses for every failure. 

Younger children live in the shadow of their older siblings and many never get over having to continually share parental time and material things with those who are older. Older children may make the life of younger, competitive siblings a living nightmare as they enforce their right to be the chief decision maker and retain their place of authority in the family.  Yet, many of these skirmishes are conducted under the radar of their parents.